The White Trash Wedding Reception

I'd like to say 'thank you' to a particularly awesome group I had not too long ago - The Single Most White Trash Wedding Reception in the History of the World (TSMWTWRITHOTW for short).

Let us begin by saying that NOTHING that went wrong that night was F&B's fault (except the pears, but I'm still not sure what happened there) - it all stemmed from Aubrey's complete lack of competence in writing an event order. This piece of paper had no times, no details for decoration or room set up, no specifics in the wine and liquor order, NOTHING that we needed to provide this new couple with the reception they were hoping for. And of course, throughout the night, Aubrey repeatedly tried to peg all of the problems on me, and Dawn, and Katie, and the busboy, and the houseman, and the homeless guy outside, and the President, and the Queen of England - pretty much everybody except herself. That she was the Bride's bridesmaid only compounded the problems (at first).

Luckily, the night before this horrendous event, the wedding party came in to the hotel to set up the room and do the table decorations, and I was able to fill in a few blanks on the event order by talking with them. Apparently, they wanted lilac linens - we only have white. They wanted fewer tables, so we broke those down. They wanted Red Bull at the bar for Tuaca and Jager bombs (oh yeah, we'll go there later) that we hadn't ordered (on that note, they initially wanted kegs and pigs-in-blankets, but we sort of quashed that in favor of something a little higher end - this isn't the freakin' Outback). The room needed to be set up almost opposite of the way we had it, which wasn't a big deal. The list of things that were wrong just sort of went on and on.

Long story short, we pulled the night off without TOO much discord and disarray, but... well, I need to get some things off my chest, so to the following participants:

To the Bride: Thank you for not hating me when you easily could have made a case for doing so. I think my favorite part of the night was when you told me, "If I were the GM of this hotel, I would fire Aubrey's ass." It made every mean feeling I'd had all night seem justified. Also, you were pretty cool about how effed up your reception was, and I appreciate you going with the flow. On the other hand, what the fuck? Seriously, flinging icing across my bar? You really thought that was a good idea? Getting married does not absolve you from the responsibility of acting like an adult! And it was fucking PURPLE! Do you know how hard it was to get that shit out of my carpet?!? Come on!

To the Father of the Groom: It's cool that you only have three teeth. And it's cool that you wanted to have a burger at my bar while the ladies set up the reception room the night before the wedding. But my God. You only have three teeth. You just need to accept that there are some things you aren't going to be able to eat politely without the aid of a blender and a big straw. That shit was nasty. Your tongue was working overtime trying to keep the gummed up burger in your mouth - I really didn't need to see that. Just invest in some dentures already.

To the Father of the Bride: That $500 tab you ran for the wedding party was cool. So was the little James Bond-esque code word you picked out. It honestly made the night more amusing and enjoyable. But you, sir, were icky and old and hit on me waaay too much. I had to bluff my way out of dancing half a dozen times by claiming that employees aren't allowed on the dance floor during banquets. And you kept telling me to look into your eyes and then you would wink and lick your lips? NASTY. I had to take three showers after that, and I still feel dirty, even now. Oh, and thanks for not including gratuity on that $500 tab, by the way. Classy.

To the Groom: There isn't much to say about you. You did lots of Jager and Tuaca bombs, apologized for pretty much everyone in the room and kind of kept quiet. You are what every groom should be. I mean, if we're honest, the day wasn't much about you, anyway.

To the Couple Having Sex on the Dance Floor: And pretty much everywhere else, really. You were old and unattractive and it was nasty nasty nasty. Also, I wanted to beat the shit out of you with your own hors d'oeuvre when you shoved that half-eaten meatball on a fork in my face and demanded to know if I thought 'this shit was done.' Honestly, yes. If you had any class at all you would know that 'well done' is almost never an option at a high-class eatery. Those damn meatballs were a perfectly acceptable medium well. Fuck you and the horse you're fucking. Oops, I think that's your wife. My bad.

To the Amature Wrestler: You were just sad. Apart from being irreparably fugly, you were kind of an asshat. You made sure that everyone knew that you were the regional middleweight amature champ or WHATEVER that no one at all seemed to care about. Way to make the day all about you, champ.

To the Weird Chick Doing Karaoke: I hear that you weren't even really a wedding guest. I also hear that karaoke was never on the menu - you bribed the deejay? Seriously? Again, way to make the day about you, tard. Also, you really suck at singing. You should never, ever ever do that again. Ever.

To the Aunt Who Criticized My Banquet Management Skills: A great big F U. I did my best with what I had. Blame the bridesmaid who wrote the event order for this mess. I bent over backwards and ran around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to fix everything I possibly could. You didn't even acknowledge that I was trying, and the bride felt the need to apologize for you later. Yeah, you heard me. She apologized for the way you were acting. What does that say about you?

To Aubrey: No one here was upset or surprised that you were canned two days after the busted-up reception you 'organized.' I know you're probably harboring some mental images of all of us sitting around work on Monday, sobbing on each other's shoulders and consoling one another - whatever will we do without Aubrey, the light of our day? *sniff* There was practically an effing celebration. Know why? Because Katie and I won't be called on to set up last-minute drink stations for twenty people in ten minutes. Do you have any idea how long it takes to properly set up a drink station? AGES. You have to polish glassware, pitchers, lemons, arrange trays, set up the service area in the banquet room - it is a pain. So we're not too miffed that you're gone, really. Oh, and thanks for blaming the entire reception fiasco on me behind my back. Thank goodness everyone knew it wasn't my fault - have fun in the effing ballet, bitch.

Okay, I'm a little hiked on adrenaline from recounting that whole mess, and there may be a part two in the future, but for now I have to go get ready for work.
So to close this out, here is a big THANK YOU to the following:
Katie & Rob for helping me out so much - I would have completely drowned without the two of you. I don't even know how to tell you how much you saved my ass. It was super nice to have someone to laugh at these people with, because until you got there, I was about to explode from holding it all in :)
Dee - Thanks for letting me try one on my own. Maybe next time can I have one that doesn't suck? Just Kidding! (but not really) Despite everything I enjoyed this, and am now more skilled at conflict resolution than ever. So thank you :)
Everybody else - thanks for helping make this work. I know there were some stupid requests (tables outside, Martin?) and last-minute change ups (curry, Vicki?) but at least we all survived!!


Happy Ever After